Hello?

Hello--how are you
Have you been alright, through all those lonely nights,
Thats what Id say, Id tell you everything,
If youd pick up that telephone.

Hey--how you feelin
Are you still the same
Dont you realize the things we did were all for real not a dream,
I just cant believe
Theyve all faded out of view.

I look into the sky
(the love you need aint gonna see you through.)
And I wonder why
(the little things are finally coming true.)

Chorus
Telephone line, give me some time, Im living in twilight
Telephone line, give me some time, Im living in twilight

O.k. so no--ones answering,
Well cant you just let it ring a little longer
Ill just sit tight, through the shadows of the night
Let it ring for evermore.

It lazy to do this, just slap in some song lyrics in the place of my own words, I know.
But this is a loft. A spare bit of space where I keep things of little consequence without much explanation.

Hello Cara Mia, how are you?
I think you might be my sole reader now. That's ok, it's good to know your audience.

A lot has happened in these last 5 months you've been away.
There's been Love
Death
Break-ups
New Love
A few good parties
Dancing lessons
New friends
City apartments
New Bicycle
More farewells than I can bare to come to terms with all at once.
Orange and brown leaves falling everywhere
Winter stillness
Laughing with tears in my eyes

miss you so much

I'm going to look at a little room in East Brunswick tonight. If I like the room, if the tenants like me and I them then maybe I will live there. I might finally grow up. Hooray!

But I'm going to keep this space here, and continue to document myself for yours and mine own personal pleasure. Just realised I haven't taken a picture on my own camera in ages.

Need more pictures.

Hope your money runs out soon Cara.

I mean that with the best possible intentions of course.

here i am

On the floating, shapeless oceans
I did all my best to smile
til your singing eyes and fingers
drew me loving into your eyes.

And you sang "Sail to me, sail to me;
Let me enfold you."

Here I am, here I am waiting to hold you.
Did I dream you dreamed about me?
Were you here when I was full sail?

Now my foolish boat is leaning, broken love lost on your rocks.
For you sang, "Touch me not, touch me not, come back tomorrow."
Oh my heart, oh my heart shies from the sorrow.
I'm as puzzled as a newborn child.
I'm as riddled as the tide.
Should I stand amid the breakers?
Or shall I lie with death my bride?

Hear me sing: "Swim to me, swim to me, let me enfold you."
"Here I am. Here I am, waiting to hold you."

But more the while, it's this

Without wanting to, I was beginning to think of this again

NEUTRAL TONES

We stood by a pond that winter day,
And the sun was white, as though chidden of God,
And a few leaves lay on the starving sod,
--They had fallen from an ash, and were grey.

Your eyes on me were as eyes that rove
Over tedious riddles solved years ago;
And some words played between us to and fro--
On which lost the more by our love.

The smile on your mouth was the deadest thing
Alive enough to have strength to die;
And a grin of bitterness swept thereby
Like an ominous bird a-wing....

Since then, keen lessons that love deceives,
And wrings with wrong, have shaped to me
Your face, and the God-curst sun, and a tree,
And a pond edged with greyish leaves.

THOMAS HARDY

tear and wear

I need a project. Something to grow.

Early starts and late finishes are ever so slowly wearing me down. And, the mindless tedium of standing around all day everyday is slowly draining my soul. Almost crashed my car this afternoon, so vagued out by the monotony, came close enough to just plain-old driving into the side of someone at a roundabout.
I left my glasses at work today so now I can't see shit until tomorrow when I probably won't be wearing them anyway. Nothing much going on at acmi at the moment that I really need to see... hmmm, ok, there is something...OH hello.

But my last grandma has taken a funny turn and then there's some other stuff that I won't go into...
Contemplating a quiet weekend.
A long hot bath.
Might just go to one party this week. Maybe just Pony's but only because he promises biscuits.
I have work the next morning.
Always.

These last few days have been all

Art openings
Latenight chinese
Dumplings accompanied by epic 80's poprock love ballads.
Beer with new friends
Big parties with noisy bands and lots of posers
watching the crazies turn up
verbal catfight with a pretend blonde in a que for the toilet - there were four toilets and only me and her in the que and I wasn't pushing in but about to unlock a toilet for her but she'd rather fight and I like to fight back sometimes (see I'm still yet to get over it - stupid strumpet, your hair offends me as a woman).

...lots of smoke and coloured light
Bowie crying in a gutter on Brunswick St at a party in front of almost strangers
Something Prince said
Warhol gives slight comfort
Stumbled back to boyfriend's place drunk, crying, falling all over the place and making a big mess of his house and everything in general.
Feel like dying
decided a slow death by not eating might be appropriate
nah, get too hungry
Patch things a bit with with Prince...hopefully

Fall hard in a place I I'm not really supposed to
Kind of awful and a bit wonderful at the same time


... fire alarm in going off at work
have to go
X

Sunday Vague

I was supposed to go to an art opening thing at Utopian Slumps last night. An art opening for something by a friend of a friend about something I never really took the time to try and understand. But then I realised at the last minute that I would be at work for most of its duration anyway and so on...

Then i was supposed to go to a farewell party for my best friend's boyfriend, Josh. He's heading off to meet her in LA so they can drive off into the sunset on a big American highway to live happily ever after in Panama.

But I didn't do that either.

After that I would probably have found myself at Kim's house, maybe thrown-up in his front garden before letting myself in and getting stoned with Nathan in front of a Hendrix documentary until I passed out. Then maybe Kim would have come home from the party he went to to hang out with his exgirlfriend and he might have carried me to bed.

Could have woken up to the sound of Casey's Psytrance production this morning

But I didn't.

I went straight home from ACMI last night. Thought about staying up to watch a few episodes of Dexter with my parents but ended up in bed by 9.30. It was bliss.

Got a few sighs of disappointment from Kim sent to me via sms about my lack of attendance in his bed at 5am (which i secretly got some pleasure from) but I think it worked out better for me this way.

No hangover today, got some washing done and important bits of paper sorted.
Feel like I've got better a better hold on the reins now.

Might even do a little vacuuming later

Have a few good parties coming up soon, might be good blog material on it's way.



PS. The obsessive fan girl from the Flight of the Concords show came into acmi yesterday. I told here I loved her, she seemed to like hearing it.

I got some sleep

Things are a little better today.
Don't have to put up so much of a fight to keep from crying in the screen gallery at acmi where Robert and I discuss our current relationship dramas.

I'm trying not to fall in love all over the place for once.

Trying to channel some passion into other areas of my life for once.
Like dancing, I'm gonna take up go-go dancing, get some girls togeher and maybe dance for some friends bands in ridiculous outfits if they'll have us.

Might go back to study something a little more creative soon. I'm pretty sure there's a creative bone still in there somewhere.

Anyway, every now and again I fall in love with a love song. Here is what is currently on repeat in my head at the moment.

Still tired

Love life and life in general is still full of uncertainties.
Maybe if I just get some sleep things will...

Met Caitlin for lunch today.
Haven't seen her in such a long time and when I found myself perusing the shoes in Myers I realised things were getting dark. But Caitlin is a great listener and I needed someone to listen, even if it was for just 30 minutes.
We bonded over tales of lost loves and how we lost.

Just ate takeaway noodles with Brother Simon at home.
He told me how he just broke up with Chloe last night.
The strange thing was, somehow I already knew.



A cool change is on its way. Even though I admit it's possible that I have been waiting, or maybe I was just expecting for long time, I can't help but feel an awfull regret on it's imminent arrival.

I went to Thailand and now I'm back.

I'll talk about it some other time.

I work at ACMI now. I sort of love it. Even though I don't do very much and get paid well for it. and I'm so incredibly tired from working about 50hrs this week with ridiculous 7am starts that I can't really be bother to think or punctuate to do your reading eyes justice.

Today a man confronted me in ACMI about an alleged conversation I had with him last week at ACMI where I apparently "called" him gay. I almost laughed it seemed so absurd and enquired as to how he thought this might have come up in the conversation with me in the ACMI foyer. He pointed to the Sesame Street-like letters that spell out 'Queer' by the escalators advertising the Queer Film festival and he said I must have thought he was gay because of the festival and because he was visiting the Game On exhibition with a male friend. All I could think to say was "but that just doesn't sound like something I'd say" while I wished a small child would fall down the stairs and start bleeding profuslely just so I didn't have to continue perhaps the most awkward conversation I think I've ever been undeservably trapped. How do you tell someone how uninterested you are about how gay or not gay they are without sounding like a member of parliment trying to closet their inherent conservatism. And then I twigged that 'game' sort of sounds like 'gay' if you aren't really listening and suggested that I may have said something about him and his friend perhaps being "a couple of GAME enthusiasts" since they'd asked me if they could have unlimited re-entry. And so I think I won and he walked away probably feeling like the idiot that I think really is. ha ha.

And then Luke T came and found me and mentioned he's going travelling and he might go visit Simon in Shanghai. And I remembered that I miss Simon. And realised that I now miss Cara too. And then I spent two hours staring at my reflection in the glass opposite me while I was working in the cloakroom. I started feeling a bit sad ... and I still do. Maybe it's just cos I've been working so much and I'm tired and haven't had time to see anyone or do anything fun since I got back.

And my love life is so... i don't know...

Graaaaah!

Enough!
I'm a bit tired of everything being the same, going in cirlces, always doing the same thing over and over and each time expecting a different outcome and not getting it.
I'm not doing that anymore.

...

So you are all going to Rainbow and Big Day Out, whatever, I don't need to be a cliche at music festival to feel like I did the right thing this weekend. Mines going to be AMAZING and not expensive or overcrowed and nobody's going to cancel on me. You'll see... or at least you'll read about it here.

...

Anyway, I'm getting outta here. Thailand, yeah baby. Tickets are booked. I get two weeks of quality Cara time on the beach, in some caves, next to some limestone cliffs and in some Bangkok dirty air before she takes off again. This time it's to Panama. I know, Panama, wtf?

Then I have to come back, unfortunately.
I'm broke. I shouldn't really be going on overseas trips right now.
But maybe this will be the big year of employment, goals and ...
maybe I'll find something to do and stick to it.

I'll finally grow up and get my own place.

I'll have a little herb garden, a collection of old keys that don't open anything and an empty birdcage. I might even get a cat.
I'll invite you round all the time to show you what new things I've acquired
and when it gets late we'll put on a record and sip an exquisit muscat,
because it's my house and that's what I like.

I'll throw devine parties

Have a thousand lovers

and maybe the beginnings of a career

...

Guh, this blog is so lazy. i don't actually write like this in real life by the way.

...

Maybe my next post will be interesting.

Life after Smoko

I am supposed to be going to Eurotrash tonight to supportanother one of Tim's great ideas. Tim is always doing really cool things. Sometimes I wish I was Tim. But I am too tired to party anymore. I have partied too much. I'm too tired to even blog really, see how boring my writing style is in this post? That's because I forgot to go to bed at all at some stage between the 31st of December and the 2nd of January. And now I'm a bit confused about what day it is because I usually count the days by how many sleeps I've had.

Smoko was brilliant. I would like to say more but it was a long time ago now and the highlights are slowing dimming as they become of less and less consequence. It was really well organised, I can remember that much. And some boys did try to kiss me and some did succeed. I did drink a lot of gin. I found my sleeping bag (ahem!). All the bands were really good. I fell in love with one particular frontman of Cocoa Jackson for a brief period and being the social retard that I am I decided the best move I could make at this point would be to avoid making eye contact with him over the entire weekend. The next move in my plan, Seduction Sam, (it's called Seduction Sam because Sam is the name of the lead singer of Cocoa Jackson) was to act incredibly dumb, senseless and shy when confronted with questions that might have been conversatin starters coming out of his whisker framed mouth. Seduction Sam, if carried out correctly, is supposed to make me appear deep and mysterious because it disallows to much of my boringness to seep out. I don't know why he hasn't called me.

There was another massive party at the warehouse/whouse/wale house/wail house. It was probably the best party my friends have ever thrown in the history of parties that my friends have ever thrown. It was a farewell Simon/Happy Birthday Rob party. DJ's were great, seemed like everbody there was dancing at some point. My favourite memory from the night is of Georgia sitting on the plastic lawn draped in coloured fairylights, unable to go very far because she was plugged into the wall. I believe at point Simon's housemate and I forced Simon to endure a rather clumsy lap dance in the center of the dance floor, during which, being ever the proper gentleman that he is, Simon kept his eyes firmly averted with a slightly afraid expression. I'm sorry Simon, I hope you have recovered now.

Then there was Meredith. I realised that Wally De Backer is my ideal man. Apparently he was camping only a few tents away from us but I refrained from body slamming him while he was sleeping, thinking that my slightly inebriated state might not give him the right first impression and thus destroy my chances of becoming his wife in the future.

... it is tiring recounting everything that I have done in these last few weeks...

Fastforward to NYE
It was good.
I went to Stasia's and made a friut salad for her barbecue that had noticable lack of barbecuing going on, probably due to the extreme heat and Stasia's disdain for meat. We drank G&T's and Mojitos from 6pm till 2am and then joined the rest of Fitzroy in the park. I was wearing the least amount of clothes out of eveyone there (a 50s playsuit, perfect for the traditional break in and swim in the Fitzroy pool) and because of that lots of people seemed to want to take me places. I got introduced to an incredibly handsome Brian who invited me for a ride on the front of his bike and we kissed while riding through the streets. It was kind of like that scene in Titanic but with less icebergs and more chance of getting hit by a car or running over a stray drunk, and I was on a bike not a boat and I never said anything lame like "I'm flying", and Brian is heaps better looking than Leo.

This is getting tiring.